Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been rubbing my clitoris, I was about to finishing climaxing, he stopped and said “Hmm, your girl part feels like the scroll ball on my cell phone.” He was serious. FML
Does he have a HTC Hero? ‘Cause he ain’t lying.
Today, it was 90 degrees. The house was already burning hot, and I stupidly decided to take a hot shower. Half way through my shower, I got dizzy and decided to step out so I could cool down. I got out, but passed out leaning on my toilet. I woke up with my face being soaked in unflushed toilet water. FML
Why do people not flush!
Unbelievable.
Today, I was watching Pokemon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her favorite Pokemon. Feeling good about it, I asked which one. She pointed to the screen and said “Snorlax!” The fat and lazy one. FML
Your daughter likes you, and compares you to her favorite, which should mean she sees something pretty damn positive in the both of you, and that’s a problem? That’s no problem. That’s whining. Your L is not F.
Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a “perfect and amazing personality” but that my looks are not what he “envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with.” In other words, I’m ugly. FML
I don’t know why you’d ever wanna spend your life with someone like that. Your L is not F. In fact, it’s been saved, because know you don’t have to waste more time that fool.
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
Don’t you worry about it, she would have broken your heart anyway.
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
Dude, this means that you’re like almost every man out there. Degrees or intelligence doesn’t mather, the science of unhooking the bra is not meant for man to master easily. Your L is not F, it’s just L.
Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded ‘but there is nobody else ugly enough.’ FML
And I keep on questioning why people take childrens games and silly things they say so fucking serious. You’re a fucking idiot. Seriously. Get over it.
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
You’re stupid.
Serious. Other people have come down on you for not knowing that flammable and inflammable is the same thing. I won’t. I think it seems like an pretty natural mistake, considering how opposite words usually are build. That’s not what makes you stupid. What makes you stupid, is that you failed to realize, that even if the semen couldn’t catch fire, the sock would. How, how, how could you not understand that your sock would turn on fire? How, how, how stupid are you really?
Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I’m 18. It was awesome. FML
Why do some people believe that having fun is fucking up their lives?
