Today, I was watching Pokemon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her favorite Pokemon. Feeling good about it, I asked which one. She pointed to the screen and said “Snorlax!” The fat and lazy one. FML
Your daughter likes you, and compares you to her favorite, which should mean she sees something pretty damn positive in the both of you, and that’s a problem? That’s no problem. That’s whining. Your L is not F.
Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a “perfect and amazing personality” but that my looks are not what he “envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with.” In other words, I’m ugly. FML
I don’t know why you’d ever wanna spend your life with someone like that. Your L is not F. In fact, it’s been saved, because know you don’t have to waste more time that fool.
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
Don’t you worry about it, she would have broken your heart anyway.
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
Dude, this means that you’re like almost every man out there. Degrees or intelligence doesn’t mather, the science of unhooking the bra is not meant for man to master easily. Your L is not F, it’s just L.
Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded ‘but there is nobody else ugly enough.’ FML
And I keep on questioning why people take childrens games and silly things they say so fucking serious. You’re a fucking idiot. Seriously. Get over it.
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
You’re stupid.
Serious. Other people have come down on you for not knowing that flammable and inflammable is the same thing. I won’t. I think it seems like an pretty natural mistake, considering how opposite words usually are build. That’s not what makes you stupid. What makes you stupid, is that you failed to realize, that even if the semen couldn’t catch fire, the sock would. How, how, how could you not understand that your sock would turn on fire? How, how, how stupid are you really?
Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I’m 18. It was awesome. FML
Why do some people believe that having fun is fucking up their lives?
Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don’t drink. I’m pregnant. FML
Is being pregnant at work acceptable? If yes, then what’s the problem? Your L is not F.
Today, I realized that my company’s calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I had sex with my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife’s name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
So now everybody knows a married couple had sex? A MARRIED COUPLE HAD SEX! Oh, the horror… now, shut this fucking whining up and do some more fucking instead.
Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember joining until he was called up. FML
Even when you do things for the wrong, it can lead to good things. Even if your Boy Scout leader enlisted for the wrong reason, the fact that he got there might be what made him an inspiration. You should understand this. The fact that you don’t, makes me believe that you will never ever be even half the man he is.
Also, I think you’re kind of stupid for enlisting to begin with, but that’s just my personal feeling toward this war and weapons stuff.
