July 2010
1 post
fmylife:
Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been rubbing my clitoris, I was about to finishing climaxing, he stopped and said “Hmm, your girl part feels like the scroll ball on my cell phone.” He was serious. FML
Does he have a HTC Hero? ‘Cause he ain’t lying.
May 2010
1 post
1 tag
fmylife:
Today, it was 90 degrees. The house was already burning hot, and I stupidly decided to take a hot shower. Half way through my shower, I got dizzy and decided to step out so I could cool down. I got out, but passed out leaning on my toilet. I woke up with my face being soaked in unflushed toilet water. FML
Why do people not flush!
Unbelievable.
March 2010
1 post
2 tags
fmylife:
Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend’s hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn’t break up with me then and there. FML
You should have broken up with him then and there.
November 2009
2 posts
1 tag
fmylife:
Today, I was watching Pokemon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her favorite Pokemon. Feeling good about it, I asked which one. She pointed to the screen and said “Snorlax!” The fat and lazy one. FML
Your daughter likes you, and compares you to her favorite, which should mean she sees something pretty damn positive in the both of you, and that’s a problem?...
2 tags
fmylife:
Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a “perfect and amazing personality” but that my looks are not what he “envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with.” In other words, I’m ugly. FML
I don’t know why you’d ever wanna spend your life with someone like that. Your L is not F. In fact, it’s been saved, because know you...
July 2009
16 posts
1 tag
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
Don’t you worry about it, she would have broken your heart anyway.
1 tag
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
Dude, this means that you’re like almost every man out there. Degrees or intelligence doesn’t...
1 tag
Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded ‘but there is nobody else ugly enough.’ FML
And I keep on questioning why people take childrens games and silly things they say so fucking serious....
2 tags
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
You’re stupid.
Serious. Other people have come down on you for not knowing that flammable...
1 tag
Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I’m 18. It was awesome. FML
Why do some people believe that having fun is fucking up their lives?
1 tag
Today, I realized that my company’s calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I had sex with my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife’s name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
So now everybody knows a married couple had sex? A MARRIED COUPLE HAD SEX! Oh, the horror…...
1 tag
Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don’t drink. I’m pregnant. FML
Is being pregnant at work acceptable? If yes, then what’s the problem? Your L is not F.
2 tags
Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember joining until he was called up. FML
Even when you do things for the wrong, it can lead to good things. Even if your Boy Scout leader enlisted for the wrong reason, the fact that he got...
1 tag
Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML
Don’t knock it, enjoy it. Sounds to me like your sex life just got a healthy injection of awesome energy.
1 tag
Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I’m gay. FML
And I still don’t get why it’s problem when other people think you’re gay. I really don’t. I mean, you just have to tell the girl you were set up with that you’re not, and tell your co-worker that she got the facts straight, and that’s that. Problem...
1 tag
Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad and the preview to my “My Sisters Keeper” came on. The trailor started out with “Most babies are accidents…” right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML
Can’t take a joke, can you?
Also, since when is an unplanned child less loved than a planned one? Answer is, since never. Grow the fuck up and stop whining like a...
2 tags
Today, I went to my 7 year old son’s school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said “she adored me for who and what I am”. I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a “lesbian American.” Wrong. I’m Lebanese-American. FML
And please, do tell, why is this, a simple mistake of words from a young child, why is this enough of a big deal to F up your L?...
1 tag
Today, my girlfriend went on a trip to see her “sick” father with her young attractive male friend. I asked if I could come too but she said there isn’t enough room in the car. I didn’t mind till I realized that she drove a 4 door SUV and her father died 2 years ago. FML
I don’t know which one of you two are more stupid, you for not remembering her daddy’s dead (how do you forget...
1 tag
Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML
It’s a sad state of the world if a little equality between the sexes is enough to F up your L. Why shouldn’t she be able to pay the down...
2 tags
Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML
Just to spell it out, okay, you called the cops yourself and still decieded to drive over the limit? Or worse, you’re worried about your own kids safety...
1 tag
Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I’ve been cheating on her. We don’t use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML
No shame, everybody does it.
June 2009
116 posts
1 tag
Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, “MOOOO”. FML
Kids do the darndest things. Because they are kids. I just said this. I’ve said it before. I will probably repeat it again, and again, and again, because people will never learn that kids are and will always be kids, and when...
1 tag
Today, I in the grocery store with my three year old son. He has been in a phase where he plays with himself. Suddenly, he starts screaming, “MOMMY, IT WON’T GO DOWN!” I look in the cart, and my son has an erection. Everyone else in the aisle looks too. FML
Yeah, whatever. Kids do the darndest things. Because they are kids. Looks to me like you got a healthy kid with a healthy sense of...
1 tag
Today, I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they’re staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. Their room is 203. Mine is 201. Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. FML
They’ve been there, they’ve don that, and with a little bit of luch they’re still doing it. Stop...
1 tag
Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn’t quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML
Is this really the worst that could happen to you? Silly.
2 tags
Today, I was walking to work and saw three guys sitting at a table outside. One of the guys looks at me and says to his friends, “That’s the girl that works at the grocery store. She replaced the hot chick.” The other two guys glared at me. FML
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just sayin’.
1 tag
Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said “Honk, honk!” FML
You’re pathetic. A little girl was made happy. That’s a good thing. Your L is not F.
1 tag
Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer’s leg. FML
So… did it help you get the job? I mean, hey, if the interviewer didn’t mention during the interview, or removed his/her leg, it couldn’t have hurt. I don’t think your L is F.
1 tag
Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML
So your L hinges on a mailbox? That’s sad.
1 tag
Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it’d be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I’m straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML
Why is this an FML? Being turned on is awesome. You’re being very silly.
1 tag
Today, I woke up after being rushed in for emergency surgery because of an infected gallbladder. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a disgusting looking lumpy thing in a pot by my bed. It was the offending gallstone. My surgeon thought I might like to keep it, as a “memento”. FML
I actually don’t think this is as unusual as one might think, that people want their gallstone as a...
1 tag
Today, I saw my crush walking on the other side of the street. She hadn’t noticed me, so when she did I nonchalantly looked over and casually waved to look cool. I then walked right into a lamp post. FML
Conversation starter. Laugh about it. Get married. And so forth.
1 tag
Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML
Fun song. Stop being a bore, enjoy other peoples enjoyment instead.
1 tag
Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn’t talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML
Masturbation is healthy. Fact.
1 tag
Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML
Funny! Also a conversation starter. Us swedes are usually not too tightly wound-up about these...
1 tag
Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I’m straight. FML
So. What? We can’t all be Casanovas, and we shouldn’t. Your life does not depend on how manby women you kiss. Your L is not F.
1 tag
Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who’s been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. just before meeting me, she’d found out she was sterile. FML
How. Could. You. Know? Come on, your friend is the sterile one, in comparison your L is hardly F. Get the fuck over yourself.
1 tag
Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML
Nudity is awsome. Also not dangerous. Probably helped in selling the house, too. Your L is not F.
1 tag
Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn’t. FML
You’re an asshole. And also very silly.
1 tag
Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled “hey cutie”. Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML
Wow, what a conversation starter, what a relationship igniter. I hope you started talking. I hope you exchanged...
1 tag
Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML
Dreams, according to wikipedia, are “a series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring...
3 tags
Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said “so you are the daddy” and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML
If the cop believed you, if your weren’t arrested, then your L is not F. Fact.
1 tag
Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: “designed with your pregnancy in mind”. It was a maternity top. FML
If it fits, it fits. If it feels good, it feels good. Why should the original designation matter so much? Your L is not F. I promise.
1 tag
Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn’t ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML
Is there something about pads I don’t know? Some horrible secret only women gets the...
1 tag
Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML
Yes, you gotta be a new parent if this messes you up that much. It could be worse. It could be poop.
1 tag
Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML
Fact: you’re the jerk.
2 tags
Today, I walked into my house to find several of my friends there for a surprise sweet sixteen party my mom was throwing for me. Everything was going great until the doorbell rang and a clown walked in. My mom hired a clown for my sweet sixteen. My friends took pictures. FML
Clowns are awesome.
1 tag
Today, I was at a friend’s house when he decided to handcuff me with the pair of handcuffs he had just found. Turns out they were not the kind with the easy release clasp. And he didn’t have the key. We spend twenty minutes trying to pick the lock before he broke them off with a hammer. FML
Whine, whine, whine, whine. You got out, didn’t you? Twenty minutes is not even that long a time....
1 tag
Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I’m scanning these, she leans in and whispers, “I love toys.” FML
Old woman stil has sex drive. Great for her. Not your problem. Not a problem for anyone. Your L is not F, so stop that fucking whining right now....
2 tags
Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML
Oh, like she hasn’t done the same thing a bunch of times, with your daddy and the guys before him. Your L is...