your L is not F

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

Don’t knock it, enjoy it. Sounds to me like your sex life just got a healthy injection of awesome energy.

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I’m gay. FML

And I still don’t get why it’s problem when other people think you’re gay. I really don’t. I mean, you just have to tell the girl you were set up with that you’re not, and tell your co-worker that she got the facts straight, and that’s that. Problem solved. Do you know how you don’t solve the problem? By whining on the web. So stop that, ‘cause your L is not F, you fucking homophobe.

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad and the preview to my “My Sisters Keeper” came on. The trailor started out with “Most babies are accidents…” right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

Can’t take a joke, can you?

Also, since when is an unplanned child less loved than a planned one? Answer is, since never. Grow the fuck up and stop whining like a little bitch. Your L is not F.

Today, I went to my 7 year old son’s school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said “she adored me for who and what I am”. I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a “lesbian American.” Wrong. I’m Lebanese-American. FML

And please, do tell, why is this, a simple mistake of words from a young child, why is this enough of a big deal to F up your L? Answer is, it’s not. Your L is not F but I think your attitude towards homosexuals might be. Homophobic much?

Today, my girlfriend went on a trip to see her “sick” father with her young attractive male friend. I asked if I could come too but she said there isn’t enough room in the car. I didn’t mind till I realized that she drove a 4 door SUV and her father died 2 years ago. FML

I don’t know which one of you two are more stupid, you for not remembering her daddy’s dead (how do you forget that?!) or her for using that excuse. Stupid people. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

It’s a sad state of the world if a little equality between the sexes is enough to F up your L. Why shouldn’t she be able to pay the down payment, heck, even if you do pay it, why shouldn’t she be able to pay until you pay her back? Fuck you, you two are a good example for why humanity haven’t gotten any further.

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

Just to spell it out, okay, you called the cops yourself and still decieded to drive over the limit? Or worse, you’re worried about your own kids safety but doesn’t give a fuck about others?

This doesn’t mean your L is F, it means you’re stupid and probably an asshole.

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I’ve been cheating on her. We don’t use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

No shame, everybody does it.

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, “MOOOO”. FML

Kids do the darndest things. Because they are kids. I just said this. I’ve said it before. I will probably repeat it again, and again, and again, because people will never learn that kids are and will always be kids, and when they say shit like this it doesn’t need to mean anything and it is not to be taken this serious. Seriously. Your L is not F..

Today, I in the grocery store with my three year old son. He has been in a phase where he plays with himself. Suddenly, he starts screaming, “MOMMY, IT WON’T GO DOWN!” I look in the cart, and my son has an erection. Everyone else in the aisle looks too. FML

Yeah, whatever. Kids do the darndest things. Because they are kids. Looks to me like you got a healthy kid with a healthy sense of curiosity. Your L is not F.