Today, I realized that my company’s calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I had sex with my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife’s name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
So now everybody knows a married couple had sex? A MARRIED COUPLE HAD SEX! Oh, the horror… now, shut this fucking whining up and do some more fucking instead.
Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML
Don’t knock it, enjoy it. Sounds to me like your sex life just got a healthy injection of awesome energy.
Today, I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they’re staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. Their room is 203. Mine is 201. Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. FML
They’ve been there, they’ve don that, and with a little bit of luch they’re still doing it. Stop worrying. You’re getting married. Your L is not F.
Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said “so you are the daddy” and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML
If the cop believed you, if your weren’t arrested, then your L is not F. Fact.
Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML
Oh, like she hasn’t done the same thing a bunch of times, with your daddy and the guys before him. Your L is not F.
Today, I was riding on the back of my dad’s motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn’t control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML
Oh, come on, it’s not even like you were turned on by your father (wich might be weird but still acceptable since thinking is not doing and fantasizing is always ok). You had an orgasm. That’s a good thing, so get the fuck over the circumstance and enjoy the enjoyment.
Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML
So. Hard at work cleaning up, no bottle or cup, and you didn’t notice two human beings left in the house? There wasn’t anything that gave away that maybe, just maybe, two human beings hadn’t left the house?
Yeah, right. You’re lame.
Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, “No Brandon! I don’t want to have sex!” My wife won’t have sex with me when she’s awake OR in her dreams. FML
Dreams are a way for the body to work through what’s happening in the daily life, so it’s really not strange that your wife should dream about not wanting sex if she doesn’t want sex in real life.
Though I agree, your L is F.
Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me “when” so I replied “…towards the end”. I didn’t realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML
Why is a little misunderstanding enough to fuck up your life? Could you please explain that to me? Your L is not F. Fuck you.
Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: “Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join” FML
Your parents have a healthy sex life. So what? Be happy for them and now forget about it. Your L is not F and neither are theirs.
